When something disastrous happens, or we are assaulted, or deeply wounded the first emotion that hits is shock, then anger and frustration, and a deep sense of personal violation. When my home was destroyed by water last summer, I was somewhat calm, maybe too calm, very analytical, and trying very hard to be objective, in what was a very subjective situation.
As time wore on and the repairs were made step by agonizingly slow step I thought I was beginning t feel better, trying to put it all behind me. In the past week or so I have come to see that the shock, anger, frustration and sense of personal violation is still there, just below the surface boiling and churning like a volcano waiting erupt onto someone, or something.
When I went for my meeting with Margaret my office manager she pointed out that I was probably still in shock, and probably needed some quiet time by myself to collect my wits and get over the shock. Until she said that I hadn't really realized that I actually was in shock - trying hard not to remember what happened, and trying equally hard to overcome it. I am pretty sure I haven't done that yet. I think staying with my daughter and her family helped me from snapping, but the tension was, and is, still there.
Last night at my first Board meeting as a non-Board member, and as a past President, I was going to comment on what I believed was an ill-conceived policy they were holding a hearing on. I had done my research, and had all my notes, and had all the points I wanted to make written down, and we discussed them, actually I made my points and they listened as if waiting for me to finish before they went on with what they were going to do anyway. The look of condescension was unmistakable.
At some point I let loose, pointing out, on a very loud voice, that they had lost complete sight of their task. Their job wasn't to determine who was going to pay the deductible, nor to fix blame. Their job was to supervise and manage the restoration of the owners home in a timely manner, and push the claim through the insurance process as quickly as possible. Once that was underway then they could discuss who owes the deductible, but that discussion shouldn't and couldn't hold up the restoration process. They seemed stunned by that revelation. You mean we are responsible for supervising and managing that process. We don't know anything about it, nor does the property manager. Well we will just hire someone to do that and charge the unit owner. Wrong!!!
That is covered in the by-laws - it is a Board and property manager responsibility, not a homeowner one.
I left at that point, having vented some of my anger, but there is lots more under the surface. I wonder when it will come out again. I wonder whether I need or want to find one of those Anger Management classes.
So now belatedly I realize that, yes, I am still in shock, still angry, still frustrated, and still feel personally violated, but I think that realization is the first step in starting to deal with it.